It seems, finally, my lifelong goal has been achieved. I'm going to college. I made it in and now just four weeks stand in my way. Four! And I'll finally be living with people that won't smother me or try to hold me back with their personal fears, that won't try to color my own ambitions for the ones that they have lost. But with all of this in my pocket, I can't stop striving for something. I feel the need to keep myself busy, to power through and continue. Always, writing will be at the back of my mind, but I need something that can be accomplished--and beneficial--while I'm here. While I'm standing on this particular stone in the path.
There's been something nagging at the back of my mind. You know, when you really want something but you don't want to admit it? It keeps reminding you of it some way or another. It taps your shoulder but disappears without bluntly stating its name or showing its face. It grabs your attention and slowly steers it back to where it should be. My own confidence has been chasing away the things that I need. Not necessities like toilet paper or water, but those things that your very core hums for, praying on the tidal winds. I always talk myself out of it, right as it tickles my toes or scents the air just under my nose. But a revelation has given me the wisdom to do better. No more can I allow myself to say "No" when I should be saying "Yes."
How else could I ever be happy?
Disney is a 40 minute drive from my new place. Mm, gas prices are hell, but I don't have a car in the first place. However, there is a plethora of bus routes webbing all along Orlando. Some offering rides that are only 2 dollars. I used the excuse earlier this year, "I don't want to be working just to pay to go to work." But. That doesn't apply! I was dumb for accepting it. Four dollars. Just four dollars and I would happily be riding a bus, an ambiguous, bobbing head among the masses. Why not? Why freaking not?
When I corner myself with that question, I can't think of any more excuses. If you let life whip about you, if you never raise the mast, or put the key in the ignition, how do you expect to do anything? This is your life. This is my life. and I refuse to let it slip away, I refuse to be another knot on the family tree's trunk. I will be the pioneer, if I must, and I will branch out. Fear can't stop me from doing the things my heart yearns for. In any situation.
For now, I'll funnel my focus into a job, as all college kids should eventually do. I will practice my dancing all summer. I'll sing and cram on Disney history of every nugget and boulder's weight. Then, once I've learned my schedule for classes, I'll take that two dollar bus ride and audition for a role as a character actor. I will get the job and if not, I will get something of equal merit within the business. I will slave away under the Florida sun in layer of tulle and fur and I will take cheesy photos with strangers. I will not give up. It doesn't matter what rolls into my way.
I've written this to affirm my plans, to remind myself that I do love theatrics, that I love what I do, and there's no reason for me to change my mind. It's just one of my goals, but it's the hardest for me to accept. That needs to change. I want it to always feel like this, to feel beautiful in my heart and mind. Possible.
Because anything is possible.
Some things that I would like to do in my 2011-2012 Freshman year:
- Make Dean's List.
- Get a job at Disney!
- Finish a personal project (or four).
- Tone up.
- Improve upon myself.
- Go to Disney's gay day thing.
- Learn French.
- Learn to play piano.
- Purchase tools.
- Better sewing abilities.
- Learn to work Flash.
- Create an online portfolio!
Question of the Day: Have you ever feared the outcome when you finally have to let it all out?