Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Beyond What Is Grey

I've decided that I'm long overdue for a fresh blog. Here it is:

I hope you've enjoyed this excursion down the rabbit hole and a little to the left. Whether it was Wonderland, Neverland, or just the ramblings of a confused young writer, the story is never over. The wheels may stop turning for a little while, but they're only really waiting for their next oiling when then they can strike up the melody of time once more. As this blog was created during a time in my life when everything was nothing more than another shade of grey -- another uncertainty -- let me lead you now into a new chapter, some place
just beyond the grey.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Fields Forever

Thanksgiving! Grief, this year is quickly coming to a close, isn't it? 

There were some parts that dragged on. There were some parts that went far too fast. Now things are somewhere in the middle and I see my birthday looming on the horizon. Nineteen, you know. My last 'teen' year and I've still yet to take advantage of that whole excuse of, "Oh, she's just a kid. They rebel, ya?" Sometimes I wonder if I should've been a complete idiot and sneaked out of the house, ran off with some friends, and... What do naughty, rebelling teenagers do? (Other than... illegal things. I do not wish I'd gone to jail, thank you.)

The present always seems to be full of query for both the past and the future. We're never satisfied with what's right in front of us. We have to look back and consider each step we've taken, then we have to work out each scenario in our minds and try to tell where we're going to end up. It can be hard to look at where our two feet are in this exact moment. Are we sitting in sludge, not moving at all, or are we slipping on the wind? Like I said, things are somewhere in the middle for me now. I'm savoring each minute I spend, indulging in my thoughts and letting my mind go. I smile freely, not caring who sees or how the world might react.

I have an urge to read something. I've even resorted to reading Harry Potter fanfiction to keep this urge satisfied. (I didn't even read the original books!) I've got Charles de Lint just waiting to be gobbled up but it's hard to find the time or place to really dig in, ya? I will, though. Give it time. Thanksgiving week is a bit busy for these things, mm?

Sigh. What am I thankful for? So many things, to be honest. As always, I'm thankful for the fact that I'm still alive, that I've made it this far. I'm thankful for the luxuries of this life, for the friends who have made up my family, for the knowledge I've gained. It's daunting to reflect on what I've got ahead, on how this semester has twisted and turned in on itself. I'm thankful for the fact that I can look at it and not freak out, not break down. I can just... smile. And nod. And know that I'll be able to handle it, some way or another. 

People like to say that I'm strong, but you know? I'm only as strong as they've made me. Each step of the way, I've had something to look to, somewhere to aim, and every so often, there'd be someone there holding onto my arm, keeping me up. I'm walking with confidence in my stride now, despite the dank shadows that are all wrapped up around the curve ahead. 

Thank you. Everyone. Thank you, World.

Question of the Day:
(Wait for it! Wai~t for it...)
What are YOU thankful for? Seriously! Think about it. What makes you smile, makes your heart warm?
(Could'a seen that one a mile away.)

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Need

Can I... Can I just. Scream? 

Not a bad scream, particularly, no. In fact, a majority of the scream would be accompanied with happy, wild flailing, and blushing, and babbling. I am so. So. Happy. Right now. There are a lot of things that have gone wrong, but just as much has gone right and I dare not fight it. I've been smiling so much more as of late. I've been so much... lighter. And freer. Rather than muted and smothered. 

This really is such a grand feeling.

Question of the Day:
Wait, what? You guys are still here, waiting to read this? Sorry I haven't been updating! ;u;

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Rune: Step 2

When did it begin? This... transition. This death of a passion.
I couldn't tell you even if I tried. It's been a long while since memories, reality and dreams, could be discerned in my mind.


She smiled, her nose brushing against his neck as he crushed her in his arms. The day had been slow and pleasant, the light leisurely feasting on the hours before wrapping itself in dewy night. The couch was hot under them but the room was chilly, and the television sent strange shadows and bursts of colors through the room. He sighed deeply, causing her to look up. The heroes of Law and Order considered a case of murder and theft.


It was dark. Really dark. 
Her gaze flicked and jumped with each passing headlight. The air was cold, tossing her robe behind her in a sad mimicry of the vigilante's capes back in the 70's. Her world was falling all apart around her, only to slowly be pulled back together by her cold, analytical mind.
What had she been wearing? she asked herself. 
Pajama pants. Grey and white, with faded red. It was a plaid pattern but faded from being washed incorrectly. A black sports bra, but it wasn't like her to run outside uncovered. She was probably wearing a t-shirt now. Something that might have been laying around the living room? She shook her head. What else? Her weight, her hair color, facial features, height. The time she left. Possible whereabouts. All of it, a mental checklist. She knew the police couldn't take in a missing persons report until after 24 hours, but the circumstances would convince them that it was more urgent than that. It would have to. 
Her fingers shook and her stomach was upset but her heart was slow, quietly beating. Calm.


Pain bloomed in her hand, her stomach lurching into her throat. She wasn't angry, only sad. Every time, she thought to herself, charting the roads that had lead up to that particular moment. No matter how sorry, no matter the circumstance, part two in a long process had already been set in motion. Or maybe it had only now made itself apparent. Maybe it was only her imagination. She couldn't tell, nor did she care to mull on it.
Her throat burned and she flinched, repulsed by the acidic taste on her tongue. The bolts to her doors slid with a defined sound. She cast a glance to her desk and sat down, reveling in the cool sensation of the metal against her arms.

Sloppy writing. I really couldn't care less. Just spilling these bits of scenes I had in my mind at the moment for exercise. They all sort of bleed into the next, though they aren't entirely necessarily connected. Think of it what you will. -shrugs- I just didn't want to get too rusty. Someday, I -will- be publishing one of my many novels, ya? (:

Question of the Day: Are you familiar with the song 'Meant to Live' by Switchfoot?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dirty Wall

Wouldn't it be funny if teachers had a tool similar to ratemyprofessor.com? They could rate and put in detail about their worst and best students. They wouldn't have to do all of them, only the notable ones, you know? Can you imagine what they would say? And I wonder if they would rate their looks every once in a while too... (Is that what the chili pepper on ratemyprofessor means? I never took the time to really figure that one out.)

Sally Werther -- Biology Major -- HOT!!! --
Great student, wears low cut shirts. I was tempted to fail her to see if she'd come looking for extra credit. ;D

=w= Something like that? -goin' to Hell but you know they think it sometimes- Or maybe~...

Kennedy George -- Undefined Major -- So, so --
Complete pothead, never does his homework but does great on his tests! Hits on the girls around him. 

Pretty sure he's always inebriated in some way or another though.

-shrugs- Probably not. But it would still be funny. And great reference for future employers!

I wonder what my teachers would say about me, if anything at all... Probably theories that I do weird shit on my laptop all class. (Like write blogs?) I know my Art History prof is paranoid that a student will watch porn during her lectures again. (What a way to pass time, huh?) And I'm pretty sure that my Earth Science prof knows that I'm not entirely attentive whenever he's lecturing...

Anyone ever notice how the big mountain range in China kinda looks like a dragon? No? Just me? Well, alright.

I'm so exhausted and yet I'm more awake than I usually am. I hate my body for that. I'm constantly sick to my stomach, or my heart is racing for no reason, or I can't breathe, or I'm allergic to this or that. And that list could go on forever. It's ridiculous.

I've been told that it's stress. Look, I'm a girl, sure, but I swear I'm not always an emotional mess. In fact, I've been great. I love living with my girls and school is without too many kinks. I'm probably going to have a seasonal job soon and dammit, as much as getting free shit makes my head dance with greedy glee, I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about sitting around someone else's dinner table and pretending I fit in.

I'm a big girl. I'm an orphan. But I'm not the kind of person to dwell on things. It's sad. I understand the weight of it. I like to look on the bright side -- yet, spending all of those years, changing houses every other one, did not change the fact that it's awkward when people obviously don't know how to act around you, how to feel about you, how to think of you.

Do you know how many times I've gotten a makeup kit or a bundle of cutesy socks simply because I'm a girl and those things are -easy- to purchase, assuming that I would like them? Dear Gods, I hate makeup and cutesy socks. I'd rather be ball-gagged than get another package of that crap. =w=

For my seventeenth birthday, I ate a week-early cupcake and sat in a car for four hours. It was the very end of one of the hardest chapters of my life -- and yet that was one of my most favorable birthdays. Because I wasn't the only one that was out of place. And instead of people assuming that I was an unstable mess? -Everyone- was an unstable mess.


Back to my original whining: I hate that I'm always sick. On a more amusing note, however, the girls and I like to joke that if I end up with a guy? He'll probably mistake my all-the-time ick for morning sickness and get a baby scare. Fun, fun, right~?

"Uh, honey... o_o; Are you alright?"
"I'm sorry, I've been like this for a while... I'll be out in a bit."
"O______O;;; Shit,shit,shit,shit,shit..."

I really hope the D2 fans enjoy the Panty and Stocking review. 
Or at least that the trolls will be good.

Question of the Day: What's one project that you've worked on for so long that you practically hate it now? (Whether it be done and gone already or not.)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Letter IV -- Silent and Resigned

Dear Blank,

Ever since I was little, I've had these little beds, ya? Twin-size. There was a brief time where I had a king-sized bed, but that was when I was staying in the guest room of my Aunt's place. Eh. Either way, the full mattress that I have now is just so... uncomfortable. I'm a tiny person. It's disconcerting to have enough space for three more people in bed with me and only having a couple of stuffed animals instead. It's not even enough stuffed animals. Pillows would even work. But...

I don't know. It makes me feel lonely. I ask Alanna to sit in bed with me before i sleep sometimes just to fill in that little gap. But then she goes and it's still there. Why can't I just fall asleep while she's there instead of lay up, waiting? And even if I did fall asleep, I know that I'd wake when she moved. There's just no relief to it. Honestly, I shouldn't be worrying about it. In reality, I should be just fine and dandy with knowing that I'm sleeping somewhere safe for the night.

It's not enough. 

I want someone to rest their hand on the small of my back, someone to hold my hip and pull me close. Someone who will somehow manage to keep on holding onto me, touching me, even if they can't get comfortable unless they're facing away. I want someone to trace my eyebrow and smile when I make a funny face at them for it. I want someone to keep me warm, despite my insistence on keeping the room freezing at night. I want someone who won't mind humming to me, or rocking me when my eyes just won't keep shut. I want someone to listen to my rambling when my brain needs to be emptied in order to properly shut down for the night. I want someone who will drag me back under the covers when I'm trying to get ready for class or work. I want to know they won't be gone in the morning. I want someone to grin a breath away from my face and make me feel overwhelmingly compelled to kiss their mouth. To giggle into their neck. To hold them back. And not hesitate, not feel ashamed for it. And if I am nervous, let it be the kind of anxiety that melts your heart, that makes you feel like roses are blooming in your veins.

I just want someone to fill that empty space on the other half of the bed. 

Fondly Yours~,

Question of the Day: How often do you catch yourself wishing for something "silly"?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Feels Like Paradise

No, actually, it doesn't feel like paradise...
But I'm happy, nonetheless. Still only have 4$ in my bank account. I'll be waiting on my money for another couple of weeks or so. In the meantime, I'm relying on my roommates to help me out, which, thankfully, don't seem to mind. I've got a few different things that I've got to get done by Friday/Saturday. Homework, costumes. And then there's this: http://wildfireapp.com/website/6/contests/144806?order=recency&view_entries=1

I don't know if all of you can actually access that page without a student log in but basically, it's a contest where you make a video. You say your goals, your plans, why you chose Valencia (my current college), etc, etc. Then, if you happen to win, you get the rest of your Associates degree paid for. How effing amazing would that be? I have to pay out of state fees at the moment, so I'm paying about three times as much as an in state student would. 

I repeat. How effing amazing would that be? 

I figure, hell. Why not. I have a 100$ mic, a 200$ camera, good friends and a good story. It's not like I'm going up against a crew of top movie directors or something with 500$+ equipment. ...right? I did see a large group of students in the cafeteria back on the day that this contest first started... and they had 500$+ equipment... WELL. Fuck it. I'm still going to try. What could it hurt. There are 5 winners in the end and if winning means only having to pay for rent and books for a good year and half, I think I can swing for "my best."

I was recently reminded that I do my best solo work at midnight so I'm going to see if I can't write up some new TRONTR scripts. And possibly a CC script as well for some of them. I know I said that I'd do High School is a Nightmare for CC first... Rawrrr.I'llfigureitout. =w= If any of you readers have manga that you'd like to donate to me, I'd appreciate it, ya? I really do like actually having the manga in my hands. I tend to actually read the thing faster and sooner, rather than having to drag myself in front of a computer by force.

Yaay only two more hours until my Psych class. owo 
I'm such a nerd, it's the only class that I've memorized the building number and classroom number for.

Question of the Day: What does it take to get you pumped and ready to go?
(My adrenaline/creativity/drive always comes in short bursts, so I have to go all in at that exact moment or I end up fizzling out midway.)