Thursday, September 8, 2011

Letter IV -- Silent and Resigned

Dear Blank,

Ever since I was little, I've had these little beds, ya? Twin-size. There was a brief time where I had a king-sized bed, but that was when I was staying in the guest room of my Aunt's place. Eh. Either way, the full mattress that I have now is just so... uncomfortable. I'm a tiny person. It's disconcerting to have enough space for three more people in bed with me and only having a couple of stuffed animals instead. It's not even enough stuffed animals. Pillows would even work. But...

I don't know. It makes me feel lonely. I ask Alanna to sit in bed with me before i sleep sometimes just to fill in that little gap. But then she goes and it's still there. Why can't I just fall asleep while she's there instead of lay up, waiting? And even if I did fall asleep, I know that I'd wake when she moved. There's just no relief to it. Honestly, I shouldn't be worrying about it. In reality, I should be just fine and dandy with knowing that I'm sleeping somewhere safe for the night.

It's not enough. 

I want someone to rest their hand on the small of my back, someone to hold my hip and pull me close. Someone who will somehow manage to keep on holding onto me, touching me, even if they can't get comfortable unless they're facing away. I want someone to trace my eyebrow and smile when I make a funny face at them for it. I want someone to keep me warm, despite my insistence on keeping the room freezing at night. I want someone who won't mind humming to me, or rocking me when my eyes just won't keep shut. I want someone to listen to my rambling when my brain needs to be emptied in order to properly shut down for the night. I want someone who will drag me back under the covers when I'm trying to get ready for class or work. I want to know they won't be gone in the morning. I want someone to grin a breath away from my face and make me feel overwhelmingly compelled to kiss their mouth. To giggle into their neck. To hold them back. And not hesitate, not feel ashamed for it. And if I am nervous, let it be the kind of anxiety that melts your heart, that makes you feel like roses are blooming in your veins.

I just want someone to fill that empty space on the other half of the bed. 

Fondly Yours~,

Question of the Day: How often do you catch yourself wishing for something "silly"?

1 comment:

  1. How often? Always.

    I think it's silly of me to be happy when I get up to move something and he suddenly wakes up and frantically feels the other side of the bed for my presence. I think it's silly of me to wish that he really needs me and wants me? Like when he woke me up once with: "I had a nightmare" and I played with his hair and kissed his forehead to make everything better.

    I wish I didn't love him how I -do- love him. Sometimes I can only think along the lines of: "He's just going to end up hurting you like those other guys".

    Silliest of all?
    I keep wishing for me to have more patience.

    loveyou <3 /cuddles