Hold It Against Me

 Dunno why this didn't post when I wanted it to. -shrugs- Wrote this last Friday. 3 days ago.

So, so, so very ill. Feels like I'm walking on a waterbed and a bird is picking at my grey matter.

This marks the end of week 1 in college. I've loved it so far but I'm exhausted. It might take me a bit to work out my schedule. All of my teachers keep me awake at least. So far it seems like I'm going to love their teaching styles. the only one that may give me a little bit of trouble is my composition professor. The class is at 7 a.m. on the dot. No excuses or exceptions. And he's a hard one too. The very first day of class, we were assigned reading and writing prompts. But whatever. I shall survive.

My first day in college was special. Not in that "Oh this is going to be awesome--now roll the montage!" way though. The first half? Unremarkable, aside from the insane ammount of quotes from my pyschology teacher that I wrote down in my notebook. (Love, love, love him.) But right after Fenrir left to go back to the apartment? Everything kind of went to shit. It started -pouring- rain. And then it turned out my class didn't exist. Then I was on the wrong campus. Then it was raining again. Then my teacher was teasing me. And just, you know? It sucked.

Anndd yesterday I paid my rent. And finalized some orders on textbooks. And helped my roomate out. And. I have 4$ in my bank account.

Fuck. My. Life~.

Again, I say, I shall survive. Despite all of it, I'm happy.
And praying that I land a job soon.

On a side note~. Fen was drying her hair yesterday. I caled to her, "Can I come in? Fen? Feeennn?" No response. Figuring she couldn't hear-- GAH. AH. Ohhh my. Gosh. Goodness. ;w; I'm typing this as I'm listening to my Psychology teacher lecture. And to prove a point, he held up a book by a section of its pages and let it. Dangle. Oh. Oh, my heart. -- Ahem. Ha.

Sorry.

Um.

Basically, I caught her off guard and she thought I was a black mass looming over her. She smacked her head into my face. Broke the sunglasses that I was wearing. I know I've mentioned it a couple of times already in other places but if there's any chance that I might've missed any of you... But no, seriously. Um. She felt really horrible and bought me Sashimi for lunch, so, while it was not neccesary, it helped me to "forgive" her<3.




Quote(s) of the Day:
“Freud once said that a cigar is sometimes just a cigar. But whose to decide this? Whether or not a cigar is a cigar or.
    A cigar is a. Large, uncircumcised penis? -- Well, maybe if you snip the tip and… hahaha.”
Talking about sports stars -- “I always liked him because he was small and scrappy. I can identify with that. (: “


Question of the Day:
Do you enjoy grinding in videogames or would you rather breeze through the plot? (I proudly call myself the Grinding Queen.)

Letter III -- You'll Dance

Dear Blank,

Of course, you're on my mind as well. Amidst all of the excitement, the anxiety, the curiosity, I think of you. The first time I saw my college campus, I was... disappointed. It gave me this awful sense of high school all over again. The kids were all so obviously... straight out of their parent's houses -- and going back for dinner. It just... annoyed me, I guess. I'm moving onto new things and they were just little reminders of what I was escaping. And what I had never had. But what made me pout the most was that little voice in the back of my mind saying, "Now I have to wait another two years before I have a chance of meeting you." Two years being the two years I need at Valen before I can transfer to University.

I'm such a spoiled little brat.
Kind of.

Do you know any dances? This music is making me want to move.




Question of the Day: Parlez vous francais?

Hey! Ho! Let's Go!

Alrighty, guys. It's been a damn long time, hasn't it? But I'm all moved into my new apartment, comfortably situated with my beloved housemates Alanna (Vixen) and Amanda (Fenrir)~. Things have been~ fantastic~ and to top it off, my classes are starting on Monday. Can anyone say "fck ya!"? I'm so excited. I've been feeling so lost without school weighing on my mind.

Here's the brief of my schedule but hopefully my 'free' days will turn into work days soon.

Fall 2011 Courses

-----Monday----------------------------------------------

Freshman Comp I
7-7:50 a.m.

General Psychology
11-11:50 a.m.

Earth Science
4-5:15 p.m.


-----Wednesday----------------------------------------

Freshman Comp I
7-7:50 a.m.

General Psychology
11-11:50 a.m.

Earth Science
4-5:15 p.m.

Intro to Art History I
7-9:45 p.m.


-----Friday------------------------------------------------

Freshman Comp I
7-7:50 a.m.

General Psychology
11-11:50 a.m.

Wish me luck!!

Question of the Day: What classes will you be taking this year, if any?

Who I Am

It was horrifying, to be honest.

I knew that my fanfare was going to be minimal, if heard at all over the others. And of course, my cap wanted to leap from my head and run away every chance it had. And I looked pregnant under all of that fabric. And the guy probably butchered my middle name, not that I could hear him over the pounding of my heart. And I had no idea where I was supposed to walk so I floundered for a bit. And it was hot. But. Well. I’m glad it’s done.

Friday night, if you somehow haven’t learned this already (i.e. Brittany’s Facebook wall), I graduated high school.

I’m done. Finally~! It feels… Fantastic. I can’t think of any other word to really describe it. The night ended with a lot of stress and yummy temptations of nausea, but it really was great. No party afterwards, just a lot of sentiment and affection from people that I hadn’t even realized cared quite as much as they did. Mrs. Cutting, Mrs. Cannariato, Mrs. Elliot, and the rest of the wonderful staff that cheered me on even when I was being snippy because of my transcripts and so on, they were there down to those last few moments to give me a hug when I felt like I’d faint. My few but cherished friends and could-have-been friends made me feel like I’ll really be missed here in this bastard child of Mexico…

(Truth of the matter, I’m sure they’ll move on just fine… Ha!)

Still. There was one that really… hit me, though. I mean, people--whose names I will not share, because I’m pretty sure they’d gut me--were practically sobbing for me. And that meant a lot, too. This kid… Okay. No. Kevin Chappa. He was in my English class the whole year and we barely shared more than twenty words. Yet, just a bit before we went up into the bleachers to further cement our oncoming heat stroke, he walked over. Gave me a hug.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said to that effect, “The whole year, I’ve really kind of admired you for your personality and how sweet you are.” I’m sure that he sounded more eloquent and heartfelt than my memory allows (or maybe it was simpler and shorter than that), but you’ve got to realize: there were about 300 kids swarming around us in that tiny little airway. It was loud and busy. And yeah, that’s a… small thing to say, I guess. I’m sure he didn’t expect it to leave a very large impact on me--but it did.

I’m so used to being invisible, even when I’m noticed. People think I’m weird and loud, or quiet and anti-social. They don’t see that happy middle ground where I’m content and considerate. Maybe I’m reading a little too far into it, but that just… It made me really happy. And I plan on finding the cutie on Facebook too, dammit. We will keep in touch~!

My high school career ended on a fine note, punctuated by tears (of others ;P), strong words, lingering hugs…

And you know? You don’t think about this stuff until people say it outright. And it… awes you. I’m so shocked. I can barely put into proper diction what it’s like. To have the people that you love watch you, even from states away, as you walk along the procession of handshakes and dutiful compliments. To have the people that you care for and look up to, tell you that they feel inspired by you…

I… don’t know how to express myself right now.

And Jacob! Augh. I love him. He dropped me off at my place at 12 a.m. Practically clung to me. “I don’t want to let go right now.” And. All I could do was apologize and thank him for putting up with the bullshit that is having moi for a friend.

… Sigh.

So, today, now that all of the embers have kissed the night, I am sitting in my uncle’s shop in my hobo-wear and waiting to get a tattoo. (At least I got one part of being a teenager right, huh? =D) Or rather, waiting to go eat lunch with people I don’t like (Hello adulthood!), then to go get my tattoo, then to go out to eat dinner~ with people I typically like, annnd~ to finalize my Tex-Mex adventures. I won’t be on the computer much for the next week, prepping my leave and what not, but, expect great things in time, guys.

Oh, and, the speeches t graduation? Awesome. You guys know how to quote people. -u- Well, so do I.

Yet here, Laertes! Aboard, aboard for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

Question of the Day:
What are some things that have inspired you or impacted you profoundly throughout life?

If I Could Find A Way

I've had this song stuck in my head. All. Day.
Which is funny because for once, I can't really relate it to my current situation.

In fact, I'm bloody fantastic. Exhausted mentally as well as physically, but. 3 weeks. I have seven? Six days of high school left? Then I will be returning home. There are moments throughout the days where it will dawn on me, as if it were some new, unexpected realization. And I am floored in each instance. For how long have I dreamnt of being home? I think at this point, all I can do is reiterate the elation that I've expressed in other blogs, but... Just... I'm so happy. So freaking excited.

Last night, my aunt and uncle both actually expressed excitement with me. Together! It lasted for the whole of maybe two minutes... Either way, though. They did it! And it was so nice. I had tried on my dress and my graduation gown, checking to see if everything would work out right. And they both promised they would be there and... I wish there were a way to pour the gush that is flowing from my every orifice into this blog, but ti's so hard to type.

I'm just happy. ;u; Tired, stressed, and a bit overwhelmed, but happy.


Question of the Day: Ever been bailed on in an instance where you were doing a favor to the ditcher?

An Affirmation -- So, What Now?

What do you do when you finally get what you've wanted?

It seems, finally, my lifelong goal has been achieved. I'm going to college. I made it in and now just four weeks stand in my way. Four! And I'll finally be living with people that won't smother me or try to hold me back with their personal fears, that won't try to color my own ambitions for the ones that they have lost. But with all of this in my pocket, I can't stop striving for something. I feel the need to keep myself busy, to power through and continue. Always, writing will be at the back of my mind, but I need something that can be accomplished--and beneficial--while I'm here. While I'm standing on this particular stone in the path.
There's been something nagging at the back of my mind. You know, when you really want something but you don't want to admit it? It keeps reminding you of it some way or another. It taps your shoulder but disappears without bluntly stating its name or showing its face. It grabs your attention and slowly steers it back to where it should be. My own confidence has been chasing away the things that I need. Not necessities like toilet paper or water, but those things that your very core hums for, praying on the tidal winds. I always talk myself out of it, right as it tickles my toes or scents the air just under my nose. But a revelation has given me the wisdom to do better. No more can I allow myself to say "No" when I should be saying "Yes."

How else could I ever be happy?

Disney is a 40 minute drive from my new place. Mm, gas prices are hell, but I don't have a car in the first place. However, there is a plethora of bus routes webbing all along Orlando. Some offering rides that are only 2 dollars. I used the excuse earlier this year, "I don't want to be working just to pay to go to work." But. That doesn't apply! I was dumb for accepting it. Four dollars. Just four dollars and I would happily be riding a bus, an ambiguous, bobbing head among the masses. Why not? Why freaking not?
When I corner myself with that question, I can't think of any more excuses. If you let life whip about you, if you never raise the mast, or put the key in the ignition, how do you expect to do anything? This is your life. This is my life. and I refuse to let it slip away, I refuse to be another knot on the family tree's trunk. I will be the pioneer, if I must, and I will branch out. Fear can't stop me from doing the things my heart yearns for. In any situation.
For now, I'll funnel my focus into a job, as all college kids should eventually do. I will practice my dancing all summer. I'll sing and cram on Disney history of every nugget and boulder's weight. Then, once I've learned my schedule for classes, I'll take that two dollar bus ride and audition for a role as a character actor. I will get the job and if not, I will get something of equal merit within the business. I will slave away under the Florida sun in layer of tulle and fur and I will take cheesy photos with strangers. I will not give up. It doesn't matter what rolls into my way.

I've written this to affirm my plans, to remind myself that I do love theatrics, that I love what I do, and there's no reason for me to change my mind. It's just one of my goals, but it's the hardest for me to accept. That needs to change. I want it to always feel like this, to feel beautiful in my heart and mind. Possible.

Because anything is possible.

Some things that I would like to do in my 2011-2012 Freshman year:

• Make Dean's List.
• Get a job at Disney!
• Finish a personal project (or four).
• Tone up.
• Improve upon myself.
• Go to Disney's gay day thing.
• Learn French.
• Learn to play piano.
• Purchase tools.
• Better sewing abilities.
• Learn to work Flash.
• Create an online portfolio!

Question of the Day: Have you ever feared the outcome when you finally have to let it all out?

Tutorials -- Or Should I Say, Rabbit-Do-How's?

Hullo all~.

Seeing as how I'm limited to just doing BTL for a while, I've been trying to think of ways to change it up a little, ne? Q&A's are definitely an option. In fact, I've already received enough questions to fill in an 10 point episode. From said questions, I've gotten another idea~!

Tutorial requests! Well. Not so much tutorials, since I kind of suck at explaining how I do things, but a more centralized approach to drawing and so on. I would slow down the process and explain what or why I'm doing certain steps. Hopefully, these How-Do's would shed a little light into the process of things...

Requests could include things such as:
- Anime Characters
- Objects
- Hands/Feet/Etc.
- Pencil Shading
And, of course, much more~!

On a similar note, my commission site is going under construction and services won't be open for the next 3-4 weeks. However, I'm offering a new option. For an additional base fee of 3$, I will record my work as I do your commission. Each extra hour will be another dollar.